MOTIVATION
“The happiest, healthiest, most productive people aren’t those from a particular Tendency, but rather they’re the people who have figured out how to harness the strengths of their Tendency, counteract the weaknesses, and build the lives that work for them.”
The Four Tendencies ~Gretchen Rubin
MOTIVATION… to be honest, I often feel like this word should be spelled with four letters… As someone who is not easily motivated, and/or loses motivation quickly, it may be surprising that I chose this book as my third instalment of this project. The irony of this choice is that I am approximately 3 weeks… no wait… 7 weeks behind “schedule” to write this, which leads me to why I found this book to be such a game-changer for my life (which is clearly still a work in progress).
It must be said… I love all things personality! I know everyone has their own opinion on personality types and tests and so on and so forth, but whatever your view is, I hope you will bear with me.
I have spent most of my life wondering if I was broken, damaged, or simply just “out of whack”. I would see some people who could just “buckle down” and bang out whatever goals they set for themselves or those who could be “challenged” by the idea of competition, someone who would strive to meet (and usually surpass) a goal that was set by somebody else. And then there was me…
Over time I would alternate between thinking/feeling that I was difficult, stubborn, lazy, etc. but at the end of the day I would usually end up back feeling just plain broken.
Rubin’s book The Four Tendencies opened my eyes to the reality that I was only looking at half the picture. She shares the four “tendencies” that can explain our own relationship with motivation and lays out why it is important to “know thyself” as well as how we can strengthen our interactions with others when we take the time to get to know them. This knowledge can eliminate so much frustration from our daily lives when we understand that people are motivated by different things.
Rubin essentially breaks it down into inner expectations (the expectations we place on ourselves) and outer expectations (expectations that are placed on us by others/outside ourselves). She lists them as follows:
UPHOLDER - “Discipline is my freedom”
Meets Outer Expectations
Meets Inner Expectations
OBLIGER - “You can count on me, and I’m counting on you to count on me”
Meets Outer Expectations
Resists Inner Expectations
QUESTIONER - “I’ll comply - if you convince me why”
Resists Outer Expectations
Meets Inner Expectations
REBEL - “You can’t make me, and neither can I"
Resists Outer Expectations
Resists Inner Expectations
As you can probably imagine, I fit right smack in the middle of the Rebel tendency… which explains many of the struggles I have had over the years with motivation. However, aside from learning a bit more about myself (and discovering that I am not, in fact, broken), I also found it incredibly valuable to learn about the differences between these groups and what makes each one tick.
Often time we treat others the way we would like to be treated, regardless of what their desires are. This reminds me of The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, which lays out 5 primary ways that individuals give and receive love. The connection I found between these two books comes down to understanding ourselves and understanding those around us. Without self-awareness, we can blindly charge into situations, being unnecessarily hard on ourselves and/or others, BUT by taking the time to investigate our own thoughts and feelings, we open ourselves up to the possibility of greater connection with those in our lives.
This book has opened my eyes and allowed me to extend grace to myself in a way that I have never been able to before. Creating a schedule for myself to accomplish a goal would be great, if I was an Upholder or a Questioner, as it would be an inner expectation that I created. Having an accountability partner would be great if I was an Upholder or an Obliger, as the outer expectation would have likely kept me on track. Unfortunately, I am, at my core, a Rebel… and neither inner nor outer expectations hold a great deal of sway over me. Now don’t get me wrong, I can stick to deadlines at my job and stay true to many commitments that I make for myself, but when it comes to “arbitrary” rules that I create for myself (ie, work on blog posts each week), I have a terrible time following through. Now in the past, I would beat myself up over these numerous failures (which doesn’t help FYI) but now I have learned to offer myself some grace, recognizing that this is a legitimate struggle that I have. That doesn’t mean I let myself off the hook and excuse the behaviour but it does mean that I extend a bit of patience and understanding and realize that there is always a tomorrow to try again.
I would challenge you to take The Four Tendencies quiz and find out for yourself where your motivation comes from. You might be surprised what you find out…
~A
“A good book is an event in my life.” – Stendhal